Suicide Attempt!

The reason I used the words " Suicide Attempt " and not " Suicide ".

According to Wikipedia, Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own Death. But I beg to differ! No one ever really wants to die, we all wanna live, we all want to grow old and live life to the fullest. It's the circumstances that bend our desires to live. I believe in today's world ALL of us would have mentioned at least once that they wish they had died. There is no one today in this world who could argue to the fact that this thought never occurred to them.

Today's world is more public hence we know a lot about others than we did in the olden days. Thus we invade more into other people's lives so that we can ignore the fact that our life is unhappy too. We just compare whose is the worst! The invading causes trouble to others and it doesn't even help ourselves.

Today I want to share about my personal experience about Suicide. This is very intimate story to me. I have been going to a Psychiatrist since the age of 11 and right now I am 22. My very first suicide attempt was at 12 years old cause I felt very emotional and hurt because of my grades falling down and things not working out between me and either of my parents. I moved a lot, between countries so I had to spend my time between two - three different places and I never could adjust anywhere because I am an introvert. Even now I am posting all this online on my blog but when you meet me in person, I can barely babble a word unless I find that comfort ground. Yeah, after all these years I am still a boring person but now I can pretend to be social. The Jokes on me!

My parents were always busy with work like all normal parents are, they barely had time to notice what changes I was going through. I had friends until I was 11 , a few! But I did. I have been a straight A student since childhood, not hardworking but gifted. It was something that I was proud of , but then I was the youngest in my class, I was 11 when I was in grade 7. I started to lose interest In my studies because I was trying too hard to be social, something that I still am not. When my test results were back and I noticed that my score has dropped from a straight A to a straight B for the first time in my life. My parents were furious, I remember my dad being very scary not that my mother made any difference. What happened next is something that I would like to keep private, for my own mental health and for my sanity that I have gained after such a Long journey. All I can share with you is that I was very emotional that time, I was fragile due to my PMS imbalance. All of the things that happened to me that evening, I can never forget and along with the antidepressants that I was on, they just had this very strong pull over me. I go back to my room, my mind is blank and all I feel is this weird urge and pain in my neck. I wanna cry but I can't and then there it was. I just wanted that pain to go away, I wanted everything to be gone. I was sad that I don't fit anywhere and now I had lost that very one thing that I was actually good at. So, my medication was given to me in a controlled manner by my father. And while my parents were downstairs discussing about my grades , I go and snoop around In their bedroom to find my pills, I just thought that maybe it will make me feel better, help me! But then I saw, only a few pills left in the bottle and I got real sad again, and I found my dad's personal medicines near to where he kept mine. That was it, I do not know why, but I surely didn't wanted to die. I just wanted the feeling and the situations to go away and I thought if I just somehow sleep for a few days and all of this will be behind me. I collect all the pills I can find, a total of 57 pills! Half of them mine and half of them my dad's. I had no idea what those pills were back then. I remember counting them because I had to divide them and engulf them into 3 portions because a few tablets were large in size.

I go to my room and I quickly without any thought eat them all. I remember my sister calling me for dinner because my parents had asked her to. But I was awake, still conscious and I told her that I am not hungry. Thus, 19 hours had passed and I had no idea, all I felt was cold and weak but I was at peace in my mind, no thoughts rushing by and it was all blank. It was a good feeling , since I had not eaten anything, my dad came to me and brought my favourite food as an apology and that's when he noticed something was off about me. I got up from that slumber and I acted as if everything was okay, and I told him that I just have a fever. My body had turned pale and he immediately took me to visit a physician. While we were waiting, I feel nauseous and I ran outside to puke. That's when I felt scared, I didn't want to die. I was cold and I was frightened, my dad is a medical professional and he immediately suspected that I had ate something and he kept asking me but I kept crying and I was too scared to tell him. And I finally nod my head - yes. And he rushed me to the hospital emergency, I could sense his frustration . At the hospital, they found marks of self harm on my wrist that my parents were unaware of. I was treated at the hospital and later on I was scared to go home cause I didn't know how my parents would react. We kind of, didn't talk about it at all even up until now. I continued my Psychiatric counselling and my medicines were kept under lock after that event. My mom used to taunt me about the trouble they went though at the hospital, I latter ( after 8 years ) understood that it was her way of saying that she was scared to death.

I personally had attempted suicide 14 times from the age of 11 until the age of 22, I usually Overdosed , my record has been 457 tablets In the year 2018, I have been wired to ventilators, gone through stomach lavages and what not, even admitted myself to a psychiatric Rehab Ward. Most of them unknown to my family. If you are reading this today, I apologise for being such a reckless and careless person. But I just didn't want to drag you into my mess and mostly I rather not be judged.

If you know someone among your friends and family that you suspect needs help, be kind to them. Try to be there for them, understand what they have went through and how you can be of help to them. Be their confidante and comfort them. Cause we all need someone to be there for us.

Its really important for us to seek help. Please don't take quick haste actions based on intense situations. This all shall go away, it's temporary , we all can be better. Try to talk to someone or listen to music or go out for a run with Someone, Volunteer at an animal shelter. Just don't lose hope, find happiness in little things. But always try to gain the strength to talk to someone and seek help. I am an example of a person who turned to be better, you can be too.

Thus, Suicide is a cry for help not an act of killing ones-self !

Yours, Che7rry Blossom